Archive for August, 2011

Because nothing’s happened in a year, let’s talk about the NFL

August 23, 2011 Leave a comment

Hey there! Remember me? Of course you don’t! That’s because I’ve been in California doing stuff people would loosely classify as “things” – writing, BBQing, throwing the occasional frisbee, drinking, tackling poverty one day at a time, etc. However, it’s late August, which means I’ve been half-heartedly watching pre-season football and inevitably came up with some misguided thoughts and predictions. But first, let’s catch up – it’s been a while, you old sailor you!

What’s shakin’ in the NFL?

Well, I’m glad you asked – a whole lot, in fact, has been “shaking” in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. When we last left off, I was being a homer and predicting the Packers to win Super Bowl XV. (How’d that one work out? Seriously, I don’t have cable.) Welp, unfortunately fate intertwined not long thereafter, and I was forced to work on Sundays. Eeek. Is that happening this year? No … errr …excuse me – FUCK NO. Which means I’ll get to write (for free) about football all season long (to the two or three people that read this – Hi Mom! Hi Dad!). Who’s excited?

Sorry – tangent over. Anyways, after (my) Packers finished the NFL season with six straight wins (#bangbiscuit), something called a lockout was rumored to take place and We, The People were forced to listen to really intelligent people like Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti  Woody Paige talk about the epic failure that would be a lost NFL season. (By the way,, did you see what I did there? With the witty cross-out thing? I’m just going to throw this out there – I’m available.) Anyways, after a long Summer of sleepless nights, hard-fought negotiations and wild orgies (allegedly), the NFL lockout finally came to a conclusion on July 25th. And boy, were we NFL fans MAD! After all we missed – oh, wait, we didn’t miss anything? Really? We can confirm this?

What followed was a week of free agency as action-packed as the last 30 minutes of Fast Five – only if Vin Diesel and The Rock didn’t fight to a draw, and a full two miles of Brazil wasn’t cleared out by two HEMI’s dragging a 3-ton safe and, fuck, come to think of it, that movie was awesome. The fast-paced nature of free agency led to some teams sitting idle, including the Packers (they know what they’re doing), the Giants (not so much) and Bengals (for fuck’s sake). Other teams like the Eagles and – inexplicably – the Panthers went all in on free agency signings, with one of those teams emerging as a favorite in the NFC and the other as a favorite to draft 1st overall two years in a row.

So, where does that leave us?

Well, with less than 3 weeks before Opening Kickoff – err, Touchback – your guess is as good as mine. The Pack stood pat, losing two of their top defensive players (and most oft-injured) in the offseason while maintaining their dedication to developing young talent, kinda like Minka Kelly honing her acting skills on Friday Night Lights before nailing a big role Derek Jeter. Meanwhile, Philly has turned into a self-described “Dream Team” by their completely sane backup quarterback. (You’re not going to believe this, but I don’t see it.) In the AFC, Tom Brady got Chad Ochocinco, Albert Haynesworth and a haircut – all of which were applauded by the experts. Coming off their Super Bowl defeat, the Steelers have kept a low profile in the offseason – what with the gay slurs, DUI’s and unfortunate Tweeting – and did I mention somebody married Big Ben? Yeah, they had a reception and everything! Yes, it was consensual – don’t be a wise guy.

Finally, we’ve got a bunch of new rookie QB’s entering the league and I swear I didn’t look up where they’re playing because I’m, like, totally with it. (Soon-to-be-former) Heisman Winner and No. 1 overall pick Cam Newton straps on the legendary silver and blue for one of the league’s most popular franchises, the Carolina Panthers, where he’ll be competing with Kerry Collins and Jake Delhomme for the starting job. Andy Dalton of TCU will try to outplay one of the Palmer brothers (the one that’s not threatening to retire in his early-30’s if he isn’t traded – the nerve!) for the right to start for the 2-14 Bengals, and Colin Kapernick will throw 2 TD’s and 7 INT’s to beat out Alex Smith for the starting role in Compton San Francisco. Yup – I’m fired up too.

Well, this was a blast – let’s do it again soon, yeah?

Absolutely. In fact, I plan on doing this all season long, whether you like or not. (And you probably won’t, but that’s mostly irrelevant.) I’ll be updating 2- 3 times a week throughout the season, with Friday predictions, weekend summaries and a rundown of my (soon-to-be 6-8) collection of fantasy teams. Yes, this is a totally original idea that no other Web site blog has ever attempted.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make like Mike Singletary and look at the film.

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