Home > Uncategorized > My beautiful dark twisted fantasy … football drafts

My beautiful dark twisted fantasy … football drafts

Philp Fuckin Rivers

“Stupid, what the hell do I know?” – Kanye West

Unfortunately, as far as fantasy football (and most other facets of my life) goes, not so much. And I know the ten (ish) people that read this thing are thinking to themselves, ‘Is this dude really about to spend 800 1,400 words on his fantasy football teams?’ (By the way, I’d like to say Hi! once again to Mom and Dad. I’ll try to watch my fucking mouth this time around.) The answer, unfortunately, is Yes; after three mildly successful fantasy drafts this weekend, I had some thoughts I needed to spew. And as Garth Algar once said, ‘If you’re gonna’ spew, spew into this.’ And ‘This’ is my blog so, thats the arithmetic I went with. Anyways…

Draft No. 1 – The Dress Rehearsal

The No Money Required League. Just about everyone who plays fantasy sports is involved in a freebie league; no money up for grabs, just bragging rights. These leagues are kind of a joke, but they also serve as great mock draft experience for your more prominent (aka $$$) leagues. This one was no exception.

The Good!

  • Round 1: I take Jamaal Charles in the first round. He’s a carry-over from last year that I really enjoyed, even if Thomas Jones took half of his touchdowns. That won’t happen this year, and I think Jamaal with two A’s will be a stud for the (7-9) Chiefs.
  • The Falcons: Admittedly, I took Tony Romo (comeback year? eh?) a couple of rounds too high. But then, Matt Ryan just sat there. And sat there. And continued to sit there. By Round 10 (ish … this was, like, a week ago), I started dreaming of the Roddy White/Matt Ryan/Julio Jones threeway and I couldn’t help myself. To top it off, I snag Tony Gonzalez to back up Jermichael “Please for the love of God don’t tear anything in the preseason” Finley, and my fantasy team had taken on a decidedly Dirty Bird persona. *Attempts Jamal Anderson TD dance circa 1998, crashes into bookcase.*
  • The TV: The Packers improbably erased an 8-point deficit with 35 seconds left to beat the Colts on a game-winning field goal as we finished up the draft. Preseason? Yes. Awesome? You betcha’. Meaningless? C’mon – don’t be an asshole.
  • The Toyota Best Draft Award Winner: Given to … Yours Truly! I’m not even 20% sure what this (real) award means, but I’m fired up about it.

The Bad 😦

  • Where is everybody?: Unless you want three people showing up to your online draft (as was the case here), don’t start a freebie league.
  • You weren’t sober, were you?: I sure was! I had to pick up some old buddies from the airport at midnight, so I kept the drinking to a minimum. A fantasy sin, of course, but it had to be done. (That last paragraph was brought to you by Bud Light … Drink Responsibly.)

Draft No. 2 – The No-Show

Once again, I’m going to irrationally generalize all fantasy football players; I think we can all say that we’ve simply forgotten a draft time at some point in our lives. This is why I wouldn’t make a good polygamist – one or two wives I could totally keep track of, but three is truly a crowd, and at some point someone is going to get lost in the shuffle. (Plus I’d have to find three women that found me attractive.)

Unfortunately, this is what happened in my debut draft with my West Coast buds. That being said, 8:30pm Sunday night draft times are where drafts go to die. (I’m looking at you, Donnie.) And well, with my buds in town, I did my best Charlie Brown impersonation on this one and whiffed hard with the football sitting in the upright position. That being said, Draft No. 2 wasn’t a complete wash …

The Good!

  • Super Bowl XLV MVP Aaron Rodgers: My God it feels good to type those words. Somehow, my team became Mr. Rodgers neighborhood without me doing much of anything, minus a half-assed pre-rank of players weeks ago. #BangBiscuit.
  • Chris Johnson: Until about 10 hours ago, having Chris Johnson on my team was like owning a Lexus that wouldn’t start. However, the great-dreadlocked-one JUST signed a huge deal with the Titans, ending his lockout and making geniuses out of all those fantasy owners dumb  crafty enough to draft him. Can a brother get another #BangBiscuit?! (That being said, I would NOT have pulled the trigger on CJ if I were, ya’ know, responsible enough to make it to the draft. But hey, it worked out.)
  • Strawberry Fro-Yo with Gummy Bears and Reese’s Pieces: Did I mention I was at Yogurtland when this draft went down? No?

The Bad 😦

  • Where’s Bushey?: Like I said, I was at Yogurtland.
  • Did I really draft Eli Manning?: I sure did. (sigh)

Draft No. 3 – The Redemption

Recently, my buddy Shane and I have thrown around the idea of “Life Resumes” – a shortlist of personal lifetime accomplishments that would fit on an 8′ x 12′ piece of paper, like if you were going to a job interview but the position was Being Awesome or something like that.

Anyways, my list includes completing a 7-step handshake with a black dude named Sean William while (borderline) blacked out at a birthday party, running a 3.1-mile cross country race in 18 minutes and a few other things I’m not comfortable writing. (But I’d love to tell you about some time.) However, I’ve never – ever – won the Papa Frank’s Fantasy Football League. (For those that don’t know, Papa Frank’s is an Italian restaurant I worked at for more than 7 years. The people that work there are as sports-crazy as I am, and we even had a 20″ RCA TV in the kitchen, just outside the view of customers. That’s right – an open kitchen with cable TV. No wonder I couldn’t work in another restaurant again.)

I’ve had some close calls in the P. Frank’s league (3rd in 2003, ’06 and ’07, 2nd in ’05), but lately, I’ve been the 49ers of our league – a former contender that’s morphed into a shell of its old shelf. The last three years include the low point (2008 – 11th and sporting a particularly vulgar team name in the home stretch. Also, David Garrard was my quarterback. Coincidence?) and two straight seasons of 6-8 mediocrity. Needless to say, I could use a pick-me-up heading into the 2011 season. Well, after a particularly-focused draft (sober again?!), I feel like I took some steps towards crossing off a threeway winning the Papa Frank’s fantasy league from my bucket list. Here’s what went down …

The Good!

  • Arian Foster/MoJo Drew: It’s not often you get the consensus No. 1 pick with the second pick, but I did. Foster was such a beast last year that our league winner’s team was actually named after Foster. I didn’t think twice about taking him. Then, in round 2 with the 19th pick (I sorta hate picking second, by the way), I was able to scoop up MoJo Drew. Am I ignoring the fact that both these guys are nursing injuries? Absolutely. But anytime you can take two of the most thoughtful, articulate and badass players in the league, you gotta’ do it. Plus, Drew made fun of Jay Cutler in a public domain, so we even have something in common!
  • Philip Rivers: Even though I live in San Diego, I’m as big a Phil Rivers-hater as anyone. He’s got way too much Marino in him for my liking. That being said, he’s a Fantasy champ. And after just missing out on him in Draft No. 1, I made Philip Fucking Rivers a priority in the Big League. We’ll see how it plays out, but given his track record (stays healthy, high TD/INT ratio, TONS of yards), I like my chances.
  • VD: Yes – I got VD over the weekend … Vernon Davis that is! (Thank you, thank you.) OK, not a big deal, but coupled with Jermichael Finley, I’ve got a couple of tight ends that can double as top-flight receivers. Which is nice.

The Bad 😦

  • The Competition: First, for those still reading, thanks for baring (bearing?) with me – I know this is starting to play out like one of those endless stories told by a high dude with no filter and endless tangents, so I’ll try to wrap it up soon. Anyways, oh yeah, the competition is (West Coast douchey lingo alert) … rad gnarly. No Toyota Man of the Year Or Whatever Award for me – I’m just another great team on paper – but that’s more than I can say in past years, and I’ll take a fighting chance over no chance at all.
  • The Drink: I think it’s only fair to mention I was drinking milk with Vodka throughout this draft. Let’s just say the 5pm Pacific draft time caught me by surprise, and I didn’t have time to run to the store for a couple of cold ones. But as they say …


(Enjoy Labor Day Weekend. Stay safe out there, MoFo’s.)

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