The “Whitney” Challenge, and Week 2 in the NFL

When you straddle the American poverty line, eventually you start making some serious sacrifices. One of the first things to go when it became apparent I wouldn’t be, um, raking it in anytime soon was double ply toilet paper cable. Some people are appalled by my failure to pull in quality programming. Other’s judge (wrongfully) that I’m one of those anti-TV/establishment/deodorant types, though the fact that I haven’t gotten a haircut in three months certainly isn’t helping my cause. Then there’s the people that know my roommate and I, and are supremely aware that we’d rather drink a couple of beers midweek at a bar than pay for cable. I have causes, people, and this isn’t one of them.

That being said, I do like a little bit of programming now and then, and ever since my computer screen ate the fuckin’ curb (We’re now on week 2 and the crack’s slowly growing, chasing down the rest of my LCD like slow-moving lava attacking Anne Heche in the marginally-acclaimed 1997 movie Volcano.), I’ve been forced to seek out antenna TV rather than quench my appetite on Hulu and Netflix.

Now, after this stunning admission, I know you have a couple of questions for me: 1.) They still sell antennas? and 2.) What channels are you pulling in with that bad boy?

I didn't have the rights to any "Whitney" photos, so, here's one of me looking awesome in Vegas.

Well, I’m glad you asked! For starters, yes, they do still sell antennas, smartass. And for the record, the modern-day antenna pulls in HD; that’s right, Saturday afternoon baseball in HD – for free! And second, our roster of channels currently includes FOX, a Nick at Nite-type channel that only plays shows I’ve never heard of that appear to be from the 1970’s, several Telemundo channels that seem very dramatic but everything is essentially lost in translation, a Winter sports channel, a channel that repeats the 6 o’clock news seemingly 24 hours a day, and NBC. (Yeah, it’s not the ’86 Celtics of free channel line-ups, but it’s better than nothing.)

The last of these channels, NBC, has basically dominated the one night of the week I like to watch TV on a regular basis. And its got Sunday Night Football, so, to continue with the sports metaphors, this is essentially our franchise channel: Jeopardy, Parks and Rec, The Artist Formerly Known as the Office and Football Night in America. I can dig it.

However, given the amount of NBC I’ve taken to in the last couple of weeks, it’s been impossible to escape the potentially endless promos of one TV show that looks so mind-numbingly awful that my roommate and I have created a Fear Factor-inspired challenge in which we’ve vowed to watch every second of this particular sitcom, with a wager on the line for who will crack first.

Yup, I’m talking about Whitney.

Whitney is currently zero episodes into its infancy, and already she’s popping up in my dreams nightmares as one of the most stereotypically awful females this side of Harriette Winslow. Now, I’ve seen the star of this dud, Whitney Cumings, perform some impressive stand-up online. Hell, I even follow her on Twitter. But for fuck’s sake, this show looks bad.

The typical Whitney promo features Whitney giving pointers on how to annoy the living hell out of your man, with her boyfriend (played by Some Guy) practicing the same mildly-irritated face over and over. Essentially, these promos feed into those Bud Light commercials that place men slightly above farm animals in the pecking order, and women somewhere between TV and the fridge. (And far, FAR behind the NFL)

But hey, don’t take my word for it. See for yourself.

Yikes. Now, after you’ve stopped the bleeding in your eyes, you might say to me, “Hey man, her stand-up is hilarious – how bad can her show be?”

Yeah. No who else was a good stand-up? Dana Carvey. So was Eddie Murphy – seen any of his movies, lately?  Remember Norm Macdonald’s show? Yeah, me neither. Even Louis C.K. needed a mulligan after his his first try at TV. I’m not breaking new ground when I say that being a great comedian doesn’t guarantee a funny sitcom.

Now, all of that being said, I’m going to give Whitney a chance. Why? Because my options are limited. And because there’s a beer on the line.

Like I said, my roommate and I have made a wager on the over/under line for episodes before cancellation (5.5 – I took the under, Tim’s got the over). We’ll also be live-blogging our thoughts, observations and blood alcohol level when the show airs next Thursday, and we’re hoping to have a drinking game set up by episode 2. Cheers to being bored and clever  poor!

Thanks, Whitney, for being just hot enough to put up with and just annoying enough to secretly despise.

Now for something completely different, here are the week 2 NFL picks …

Bills over Raiders – This game will be surprisingly entertaining and should come down to the wire. Close games aren’t exactly either team’s strong suit, so I’ll go with the smartest dood on the field: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Packers over Panthers – Cam Newton showed enough last week to make me mildly nervous about this one. Then I remembered that the Packers D is, well, not the Cardinals D. (Thank Christ – and Dom Capers – for that.)

Lions over Chiefs – Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in the history of picking games, I’d like to announce that the Detroit Lions are my suicide pick! (Wipes away tears)

Browns over Colts – As South Park once explained to me, sometimes the only choice you have is between a turd sandwich and a giant douche. I’ll take the turd sandwich by 10.

Bucs over Vikings – Really, Donovan McNabb? I was just drunk enough on Sunday morning afternoon not to notice the historically bad performance you were (not) enjoying just down the road.

Saints over Bears – Chi-City looked pretty feisty last weekend, I won’t lie. I still like N’Orleans, though.

Jets over Jaguars – Didn’t see a second of that Jags game last week, but allegedly they’re 1-0 so they must have won. The defense rests.

Steelers over Seahawks – Might be a good week to start the Steelers D in your fantasy league.

Ravens over Titans – Ed Reed interception over/under line is 1.5. (I’ll take the under.)

Redskins over Cardinals – Look at you, Sexy Rexy!

Cowboys over Niners – But I did have to think about it. (By the way Shane, if you’re reading this, I’m still calling the early games the 1 o’clock games a year later. This continues to be a problem.)

Broncos over Bengals – So much orange.

Texans over Dolphins – If the Pats’ wide receivers can go for 511 yards against the ‘Fins, I’d say Andre Johnson might have something to say about the outcome of this one.

Patriots over Chargers – If Tom Brady didn’t tell Pats fans to get sauced before the game, I’m sure they would have stuck to Diet Cokes all morning.

Eagles over Falcons – Desean always seems to step it up in primetime. Wait a second, didn’t Michael Vick play in Atlanta, or am I making that up?

Giants over Rams – St. Louis is the early favorite for the 2011 Most Disappointing Team Award.

Last Week: 8-8